So now everyone thinks I don't know what a condom is
my dad brought home flowers.. so i started talking to them
My mom is such a hoarder. I found a deer candelabrum last night, it had antlers has candle holders. It was like a redneck menorah.
Our kitchen sink faucet is leaking, so I set a pitcher under it to catch water for Kool-Aid tomorrow rather than turn on the faucet. The environment owes me.
It's hard to be a gentleman when a girl pauses her karaoke version of "a whole new world," and proceeds to tell the entire bar that she wants your cock in her mouth.
I want to take my head off and cuddle with it
Maybe it will forgive me and stop being an asshole
Well it's a moot point because I did have a sink & I peed in it.
Third base with a 7ft basketball player last night. Fingers like a champ. I call him Edward Penishands.
I wasn't an ass in college so much more like I showed my ass a lot especially during serious beerpong games. You know I don't fuck around when it comes to sports.
the kid next to me in math class is drawing gay porn. it's good, but that is beside the point
I just forgot I was standing up.
Drunk field day, hangover yoga and sober archery practice
I'm driving to his house to eat chicken and hopefully have an orgasm
Hold on I'll be right there, I can't find my arm.
Just let me put on a bra and brush the alcohol out of my hair.
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