so i woke up on my toliet naked backwards. good night.
My Mom bought me a vibrating toothbrush. Maybe this is her way of apologizing for throwing away my other thing that vibrated.
She guessed my name 9 times, and 5 of those times she guessed Mike. Figured that'd be an easy target for the night.
I promise you I could read that dogs mind, he was arguing with the other dog saying he knows how fucked up I am
I would like to apologize for asking to take advantage of you, wishing you a horny Hanukkah and whatever "abd ethw prnym to mzbe yur penis cna be friends" means.
The size of her vagina has nothing to do with the size of her heart bro
the intervention consisted of my aunt taking me to chuck-e-cheezs and telling me that this was my future - either as a mom or as a waitress - unless i stopped fucking around.
did she buy you pizza?
I FINALLY HAVE A REASON TO DYE MY PUBES BLUE!!!
You and the dog were competed for the water dish
Why is there ANOTHER stolen fire extinguisher in my room? You know that's a felony right...
I'm the man of the house if we're referring to livers.
I found my grandmother's vibrator, how was your day?
He was so fat that he broke two of my ribs
Maybe it's time to stop screaming I'm a chubby chaser every time you enter a drinking establishment
You can't just drop that I might be walking into a foursome and leave it at that
I was writing 'DISTRACTION' across my chest in Sharpie when my boob fell out. Right on camera.
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