i have to go see a new gyno today. he's a male. i just took 3 shots of tequila. its almost like freshman year... drink alcohol, meet a strange man, let him play with my vagina.
how the fuck did you end up in georgia? you were here at my party dry humping some chick 2 hours ago
so you mean to tell me that there is no way you can get me?
Sometimes I wish there were a little bird hiding that would periodically go, "creep-per."
In hindsight, trust falling your grandma was a bad idea. Sorry about that.
She said i saw her in the study room, waved, disappeared, came back with a coke from god knows where, and slurred "i have a drinking problem but i ate grits"
apparently domino's not only has a live feed of pizzas coming out of the oven, but it also has a built in smooth jazz radio station. this pizza's getting really pornographic really fast.
thank you for being a reason not to completely check out of my life and start sleeping all day, crying all night, and living off vodka acquired through credit card debt
I just jerked off in front of my dog to make him jealous of my thumbs. There are consequences for stealing the last cheeto!
I just wrote the Drag Queen from Saturday Night on FB and apologized for licking her. Weirdest thing I have ever typed...
She shows up drunk at 3am for sex and then punches me straight in the eye in the middle of it because "you're too nice."
He just stays over and makes naked pancakes in the morning
Ultimate fat girl moment: I promised him my mouth for the night if he bought me a funnel cake..
Because of you I'm damaged goods. I'm a fucking soup can and you dropped me.
What's a sexy way to say balls deep???
Played Gay Bar on the jukebox and pissed off the Republicans here. Best day before birthday ever.
Randomize
