TBS has betrayed me by telling me tyler perry is funny
Captain Phil from deadliest catch died... im trying to think of a memorial fb status but "ill miss your crabs" doesnt sound right
I don't think anyone could emotionally handle a numb vagina.
It was at that moment that I realized I was alone. Alone and drunk on an Epcot ride.
you know it takes a lot for me to use utensils conservatively
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
We tried lying really still and being really quiet so that he wouldn't notice us before he left the room. Forgot about the glow in the dark condom.
Well Apparently I went to piss out my window last night, woulda been ok if I opened the window or the blinds.
TONGUES ARE JUST MEAT TENTACLES IN OUR MOUTHS OMG
HOW ABOUT I DON'T WAKE UP TO THESE TYPES OF TEXTS
You can kiss the security deposit goodbye after you and your boyfriend did donuts on his moped in the middle of the apartment. It was impressive since you were both too drunk to walk.
is there a line between daddy kink and oedipus complex?
I still have to bake cookies and shave my legs so Mike can have MILF & cookies when he gets home.
I love you, and I just washed my hair in my work sink with handsoap.
I could not add him. He gets 5 likes on Instagram.
Apparently when you start crushing adderall and blending them into your margaritas calling them blenderalls you have "a problem" WTF
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