my mom walked in on me smoking weed alone, listening to the eagles, and just staring at the river. she totally knew.
I just watched my mom open a wine bottle with an electric drill. I have never been so proud.
Breaking personal boundaries is my trademark
oh no, don't get me wrong.. she IS really pretty. If you are in to horses or Sarah Jessica Parker.
It looks like sephora exploded on his dick, so i assumed I was the second girl that gave him head that night.
I take back all the times I've said life was unfair. I'm about to have two trained bartenders for a girlfriend and roommate
Sincerely would love to tap that, on a mountain with the wind blowing on your pubes .
They were taking shots out of the caps of perfume bottles. This is too much for me.
So my dad just walked in on me with the same girl twice in 3 nights. I told him if he wants to see her tits to adleast admit it. All he did was smirk.
The ratio of last drink to last smoke is so tricky. This could go on until the booze is gone
So what your saying is I can use her desperation to my advantage. Fuck, this must be how pretty girls feel.
its the first football sunday and my boyfriend isn't excited. this isn't gonna last unless he makes me snacks and brings me beer during the game.
I told some guy on tinder, that apparently has a prosthetic leg, that I think we started off on the wrong foot. I hate myself...
I'll give you one guess. It has a cock and I want it
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
Randomize
