Some broad at the bar just asked me how much money I make. I don't know whats worse, the question or the answer.
At least a dozen asian tourists will be showing their friends pictures of me peeing off of Hoover Dam with a cop pointing his gun at me when they get home. I worry about the impact on their children.
every single one of us blacked out. we woke up the next morning and it was like the night never happened. IT'S STILL A MYSTERY
Are you seriously gonna shit with that life vest on?
he stopped talking to me after i tried to use his body as a surf board
im pretty sure your bra is in my room hanging on my shark pinata
I swear she's a drunk klepto...by the end of the night she had stolen 3 bowling balls. HOW DO YOU STEAL 3 BOWLING BALLS?
You made a glowstick headband with a helium balloon tied around it and climbed a tree in high heels. I was impressed.
I can say with 87% certainty that i received one of the world's five greatest blow jobs since the Coolidge administration on Saturday night.
In my dream, you became a famous tap-dancer. Congratulations.
Best feedback on my performance so far: "There are things that can't be unseen."
So I'm pretty sure I told every one at the party that "I'm going to fuck my pillow pets tonight?"
I may have just poured a honey apple beer onto a dried apple slice to rehydrate it. This is my day.
Yea. You locked yourself outside naked with nothing but running shoes and claimed it was a "parent trap thing."
idk he wanted to trade sex for a triple order of hashbrowns
AND YOU SAID NO?????????
Randomize
