I have way too many pictures of poop on my phone
He about cried when I ordered pizza online. He said it was a miracle.
I just saw a dude sitting IN a bush, weeping and playing a harmonica. I hope your day is going better than his.
I've come to the conclusion while folding laundry and watching porn that I may be dead inside.
Someone asked me what I was drinking, I was drinking rum, but I was also eating starbursts so i told them "daiquiris"
She was wasted talking to my dad about the hunger games than she passed out in the shower and flooded the hotel room...
I barely remember the girls that I got pregnant, you think I'm gunna remember the ones that played handball
So my mind was like YOU ARE TOTALLY GONNA MAKE IT TO CLASS TODAY but then my body was all LOL NO YOU AIN'T.
First table when you walk in. Can't miss us. I'm wearing a feather boa and a green hat
You had me at first table
Gotta get new sheets. ..I fucked the satin off mine.
Ur wingman ability is causing serious doubt
Ok first off its WAY easier if you are actually here
Well, I just bought plan b with the tips I made from the job that I slept with my manager. So yeah, that's my life. How's yours?
You passed out in your dogs bed and you only willingly woke up because I told there was a bottle of vodka and a snickers bar waiting for you upstairs
All I have are vague memories of us eating ham?
I am sure I don't wanna know but I have to ask... Why is there a kiddie pool full of jello in the living room?
Randomize
