I convinced her last night that my actual nickname was "No Condom John"
mike has just informed me of all the things he would put in his pussy if he was a woman. this includes door stops, power drills & g.i. joes.
"and then my dad would be all like 'hey mike, where's the remote?'"
when she said she was from California you started sobbing. You begged her not to melt your popsicle because you paid good money for it and you just wanted to eat it in peace.
bikini waxes are so much more painful when you know you're not getting laid
does it count as a threesome if she tried to blow the dude who was passed out next to us?
Saw a guy pass out and hit his head on a urinal. Laughing too hard to help him up
Don't talk about his dick. That's mine. There's a copyright on it. Use with permission
I remember nothing of last night, but I did manage to figure out which frats I went to by the trails of straw across campus.
I think the guy I was trying to dance with was an undercover cop...
I had tater tots and weed with a stripper at 4am who compared the size of my boob to her head because fuck you my life rocks
Somehow I just turned an entire McDonald's bag upside down in my car and not a single fry fell out. The Lord really does work in mysterious ways.
Please tell me im imagining that i claimed that i was king of the ducks.
I mean metaphorically. Literally zombies have yet to invade. Let's be rational here.
My feet surprised me
Bro, I was just laying in bed with this girl and her boyfriend came an woke me up
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