why did u let me go home with him last night?
u were determined it was a good idea
highlight from tonight: i hit on her and her mother.
She challenged me to a game of rock-paper-scissors for her virginity. I love this girl.
Note to self. Champagne flavored lube is neither as tasty nor as classy as one might think.
this is like black Friday for my dealer. I'm literally standing in line.
He made me stop in the middle of giving him a blowjob so he could go get his glasses. because he "wanted to see". I need to stop dating nerds.
I have come to the conclusion that if you don't fulfill your life ambitions you should go into porn
There's a skateboard on the patio and all the chips are gone. The note on the fridge says 'don't buy cheese'. Stop letting her go outside.
On a scale of your daily life to smuggling crack into the DR, how illegal is it?
So I bought some random chick a shot she puked in her hands then I watched her make out with my roommate
My asshole is basically a geyser at this point. Minus the excitement. Plus blood.
There is a drunk marine passed out on my porch. Mandy wouldn't sleep with him, Can you please come remove him?
Btw. Being a stripper for a week without anyone knowing to pay off my school loan is no longer in my agenda.
his daughter has his phone and goesss ohhh boobies and shows me a picture of my own tits...
Who brings nunchucks to a funeral?
Randomize