If I would have known that wiping my dick on her pillow would have caused her to leave........
Is there a nice way of saying 'touch my penis or i dont really wanna hangout"?
we are cooking lunchables pizzas on a fire pit.
All the alcohol I spilled on myself must have acted as a disinfectant or something. I haven't showered in three days and I still don't have a staph infection from sleeping on the lawn with you.
When are you not under some influence?
Since last Tuesday...yesterday.
I repeat the shot was ON FIRE. I am never going to a pirate bar again.
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
Judging by the fact that he asked me if i wanted to serenade him using cocaine and Taylor Swift I'd say I so have it in the bag.
I just told him I want him to "take the reins". At least its festive sexting?
I have to confess something, I may or may not have knocked on your window at 2:30 am while balancing on some guys hands. We found tequila.
Hold on - sidebar. My best friend just threw a 40 pack of condoms through my window.
And I made some girl take out the trash, load and unload the dishwasher, swifter, and clean the counters. So don't act like I don't do anything.
i have nothing going on in my life. unless a toxic love triangle with netflix and jack daniels counts.
No that one bar I got kicked out of got closed so that technically doesn't count
When campus security rolled up he stole their car and drove it like 100 feet. Then he walked up and gave back the keys because it was a hyundai.
Randomize
