she complimented my bra when we were hooking up. this lesbian thing has its upsides
She had a maple leaf tattoo behind her ear and told me she liked my "playoff beard".
Only in Canada would your laziness be applied to hockey and rewarded.
I'm at a free clinic. Feel like I should cough or sneeze so it's not blatantly obvious I'm getting checked for STI's.
Had sex five times today because there was nothing else to do. I had no idea snow days could get even better than when we were kids
Yeah, I probably scared him away when I drunkenly told him we'd have beautiful children
who has that picture of us looking like alcoholics at the zoo?
Dong worry about me. I just cashed bottle of wine when I found out he was in town, I'm being dramatic. I'll text you tomorrow when I'm sober and my face stops bleeding
You are very nonchalant about the high probability of us having an orgy.
Eh, I'm ok with this, this can work. We're the best kind of the worst people.
Just got hit on by a 50 year old Englishman who is now swapping drunken racing stories with my mom. Live Mariachi band in the background. How's that for a wake?
i just added a shot of fireball to my iced coffee. goodbye sobriety.
My mom and sister were over. When my drunk roommate came home, he yelled "GOT BITCHES IN MY CONDO"
2016 is coming through for me, I'm renaming it the year of great dick
Typical Sunday morning text...are you alive?
Never make a coconut bikini from a real coconut.
I smell like old thai food.
Got home. Somebody tried to sell me weed on the street. I've never had to try so little to find a dealer before.
Randomize
