she tried giving me head in the pool. it was more entertaining than pleasurable
I ran a string through all of my old vicodin bottles and strung them on the tree. Tis the season.
He tried to fight me not realizing that I work as a bouncer in the the same bar we were in. His night ended with him in handcuffs, missing teeth, PLUS I got his shots that he ordered since he didn't get to drink them.
From what I hear, her blowjob factory was runninng at full capacity this weekend.
Im playing lifeguard in my own bathroom. How's ur night?
I'm sorry that I didn't get belligerently drunk and did not put my penis on your neck again
just walked across campus with a bottle of champagne in between my boobs. night two and the quest for classiness is already over
She's so nice... She deserves all the dicks.
I accidentally sent my dad a very explicit Star Wars fanfiction and he replied with "That was great!"
It's like every time I'm baked I discover my fingers all over again.
At a bar in the city and the whole place starting singing “Happy Birthday” to someone. Everyone but me. The person next to me leaned over and said, “Why didn’t you sing along?!?” I responded, “I don’t know him. I don’t give a shit if he has a happy birthday.”
When you wanted to give that guy at McDonalds your number you asked the cashier if you could borrow "a pen or just like a straw with his blood on it". He gave you a pen.
Every time I look at him 'Relax' by Frankie Goes to Hollywood plays in my head. Is that weird?
I knew she was the one when we had sex to the halo soundtrack.
You can help me! We'll make an occasion of it. Have some rum, make some smores, condemn the email system to the pits of hell...
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