You drink too much
No, I drink just the right amount - too often.
an ex called crying about her current BF. convo ended in phone sex. i love emotional wrecks
it was 6 in the morning, and you cried until i put mulan in. then you proceeded to say every word, not to mention sing along... stop drinking.
I promise you I could read that dogs mind, he was arguing with the other dog saying he knows how fucked up I am
Please explain why there is a video of you peeing in the Taco Bell bathroom on my phone? Also why did you wink at the end?
If you haven't gone to the store yet. Can you PLEASE get me some clippers my balls will thank you later
I'm laying in my house looking at chocolate pudding drip from the ceiling onto my partially erect penis... Yay for shrooms!
Dude, get out of Andrea's vagina and call me back
The thought "Ummm which pants am I wearing? ...I *am* wearing pants, right?" just ran through my head. I'm done. So done.
Last year I got a dildo in the mail on my birthday. Today it was just a credit card bill. Sadface.
It's ok, it's locked within patented Sealrite technology. That puke is staying fresh
My guy issues hinge on tonight's game. Caps win, it's Dustin. Rangers win, Josh. I even flipped a coin to see who got what team
Stop calling me, Mom. I'm in his closet. You're gonna blow my cover and I'm about to catch this lying SOB.
All I remember is pissing by the garage and the next thing I know I'm on fire
Accidentally made a bowl of macaroni and cheese with a bottle of vodka. It's not that bad
Randomize
