I wish I had a waterproof laptop so that I would watch porn in the shower.
I know. They started calling me The Incident. The hotel maids, that is.
The girl who overdosed in the bathroom at work is back....help?
officially christened the dorm room by sucking my spilled drink off the floor. tastes like homee
I'm convinced that college is the only place where one can have an existential crisis over what sweatpants to wear
But he does seem to be getting proper humping etiquette down. So there's progress.
Holy sore nipples Batman
You seriously don't remember crying about how much you miss your mom right before we hooked up?
I guess the lesson here is that I shouldn't send nudes to elected officials.
Im gonna go lick parts of my apartment. Good night and be ever vigilant, you never know when I'm coming to epoxy your hand to you nipple.
Last night a drunk chick tried to lick me. If you are trying to lick the zombies, you are too drunk for the haunted house.
Honestly, the only reason I've been productive today was because I ended up organizing my apartment while searching for my vibratory charger.
Normal people find beers in their gym bag, right?
I feel like my toilet water looks different when outsiders use my bathroom...
Are you high right now?
HOW DID YOU KNOW!
I asked what it takes to be a good delivery driver, my new boss said "always keep these in your vehicle" as he handed me a flashlight and a blunt. I'm going to like this job.
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