I'm drinking while my friends build sand castles, now I know how my dad used to feel
I don't know if it's her mysterious past or atrocious grammar, but I think I'm in love.
the first call I got in the morning was from visa fraud prevention so yeah it was one of those nights
I made a tournament bracket for the girls that Im talking with.
You convinced us both to take shots of jack Daniels through our eyes.
Your last day of twenties? OK. Then I'll give you til midnight. Then you turn into a pumpkin. A big, 30 year old pumpkin.
A whole bunch of large men eating Doritos just knocked on my door and asked if they could take out my trash?
I'm not proud of how I threatened that 8 year old during drunken laser tag
He said I was the "egg mcmuffin" of blowjobs. I'm flattered.
You come home the day the world is supposed to end. Well played Mayans.
Okay so, sorry but last night we had to put a note on your chest and a key around your neck just so you would make it home.
Just because he told you it was safe doesn't mean you should have licked it.
Is it weird to wish your favorite hooker "happy thanksgiving"?
They need to eat meat, go down on me the first time, every time, and know how to pull my hair. And there's a height requirement for this ride
She puked on the floor because she said she really liked to clean.
Randomize
