It was just pointed out to me in a meeting that there is a lipstick stain on my crotch.
what the fuck were we smoking when we had a conversation about how my brother would be so proud if i fucked an orange alien?!?
you made them have somersault races with you thru the lobby..
This is how we made chicken soup last night: Whole chicken in a pot of vodka with a box of crackers and some carrots. We should go pro.
THAT DOESN'T MEAN YOU SHOULD LET ME CHUG VODKA.
The kind of drunk where you put two tampons in thinking that it'll last me longer ...
She keeps feeding me drugs. Its like I'm her baby bird or something
This is literally engraved into my seat "Need crack?" And then there's a number. This isn't real.
It must suffice lest there secretly exist a picture of me walking out of the ocean at midnight naked and half mast with a sea urchin on my ass
Agree to hang out with him and then take a gigantic shit right on him. Or if youve forgiven him for being a fucker maybe make out with him.
I never realized how you can accidentally go home with someone until tequila got involved.
The chances of me making out with someone next weekend are about the same as me not remembering it.
My loniness meter has reached its peak. I just played shadow puppets using my Big Mac on the wall with my cats
So I slept with some guy last night and when I woke up in the am couldnt remember his name. I text him n asked "How do you spell your name?" to try n find out and all he replied was "With an A." WTF!?
Why in the hell is there a guy dressed up as a horse passed out in our kitchen.
happy birthday!
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