I was so high last night that i'm 89% sure my roommates set up an obstacle course for me and timed it. Not positive.. I think one of the challenges was pairing shoes
she just punched a dude and called him a peasant for not drinking fast enough in flip cup.
When you give the bridesmaid toast someday at my wedding I need you to quote Ricky Bobby in some form. And slip in your sister has the vagina of awesomeness. That is all.
She tried to leave the threesome and I heard you yell "Hey! We don't quit at halftime!"
I'm assuming the reason my elbow is so sore has something to do with all the broken shot glasses eh?
Yep
Maybe you can hide out somewhere she would never go. Like a counseling center or AA
All I want to do is sleep. And If I'm not sleeping, I want to be eating or fucking. I'm pretty sure being pregnant has turned me into a dude.
It might've been him telling me last night that he "doesn't even need beer goggles to fuck me." When I thought that was sweet, I realized something needed to change.
Is the party worth it?
I am drink. Beer pony and singing.
i found waldo and immediately set him to work eating me out. please have more out of season costume parties.
You added his wife on Facebook?! You're horrible at this mistress thing
mcfuck me up
MCFUCK ME UP INSIDE
Your cat ate my taco.
. . . I don't have a cat?
It was laying in your bed. Now it's hunting for more tacos.
That was the first time ive ever slept with a girl with a q in her name
Did you get good sleep?
I dreamt that I was a lipstick lesbian in the 1950s, working at Walgreens and solving mysteries.
So yes.
Randomize
