so exactly how many freshman chicks did i tell to call me "the tripod"?
Were you really trying to feed me potato chips while I was sitting on the toilet?
Had dinner with my ex husband. The box of wine is gone and I'm laying on the floor in my wedding dress. Where are you?!
I am currently explaining what double penetration is to the bridesmaid I hooked up with at my cousin's wedding. This is my life.
Guess what happened to me today at work?
I have chlamydia. What happened.
Oh lets talk about your news first. Mine is happy so it should go second.
I think you're going to have to drive me to white haven. I don't know if my brain can handle having my mom drop me off at a strip club.
last karaoke night = doing dmx songs with a guy who threatened to stab me. so yeah I'm coming out.
What was the name of that place where we saw that concert? It was like a warehouse and some guy was living in the loft above the stage...
It's called: a legit place to drop acid.
how exactly do you say, "i only agreed to meet you for breakfast because i thought we could go to your place and fuck afterwards."
Mmhmmm. I have a list of drunk achievement that is almost as long as my list of stoned achievements
I'm going to CVS to meet the Craigslist guy who is going to buy my underwear. If I don't text you within the next hour, plz assume that I have been abducted by a stranger with an underwear fetish.
I want to sit on top of her nipple mountains and reenact the Ricola commercial.
Company meeting and there he was. Felt a little weird like 'last night you were telling me how your dick loves me, and now we're listening to a report on sales figures'.
i just found a lighter in my bra... from last night, and its 7:43pm...
RESIST THE DICK
thats like telling me to resist drinking water. impossible.
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