You smell like stripper and shame
he just found out the funeral is this morning so i'm wearing last night's clothes and look like a total slut.
you told all the 17 year old girls at the party that your mating call was "I glitter in the sun"
I feel like I could be a daytime drinking legend, like they could put that shit on my tombstone and right now your preventing me from reaching my full potential
currently shading my boobs to make it look like i have mass cleavage...thanks art school
It was a cry at the bar alone type of night, served with a side of passing out facedown in my nachos.
Friend date it is then. Question: Can friends engage in sexual activities after dates?
if all that ever happens for the rest of forever is drinking wine and eating popcorn, ill be okay
You know you're fucked up when you decide to pour fireball whiskey in your vegetable beef soup
Anywho, an ostrich attacked me today. Fucking useless pieces of shit birds.
If you think you're having a bad day, know that upon waking up, I was informed that I blew my nose in a piece of bread last night
So in my DUI class I had to write down 3 people I'd call if I needed to talk and why...they all want to meet you now...
I'm reading the Hobbit in my blanket fort alone with a bottle of wine... all I need is dungeons and dragons to complete this superfecta of awesome
youll appreciate my drinking habit one day...
Is there a subtle way to tell him he needs to hydrate? 8 years of yoga and kegels. He has no idea what I’m going to do to him this weekend
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