2:45a: Any chance you got 3000 bucks on you?
I accidentally had sex with my boyfriend's twin last night...and he didn't stop me.
How was it?
Fantastic, but that's not the point.
Are you kidding me. My sex life has diminshed to having wet dreams about jerking off.
Umm went to talk to a client ended up seeing his semi erect penis. This is my life.
I just saw a girl in Albersons in spandex and curlers buying PBR. Only PBR.
I'm giving up shame for lent. Here come the best 40 days and nights of my life.
The fact that I pulled something plastic out of my mouth after taking that shot is starting to concern me.
I'll have my hookups make my March Madness picks. Win my bracket, win my heart. That's how it works right?
He's asking if he can send a dick pic. How do I politely decline that?
I guess I could probably fit that in between deep self reflection and teenage mutant ninja turtles
REWARD BLOWJOB!! STAY RIGHT WHERE YOU ARE I'LL BE THERE IN FIVE MINUTES.
If you walk into a place and someone says "happy birthday" while handing you a shot. You. Take. It.
Something like; Dear Cupid, when are you going to send me someone to date that isn't a complete psychopath
In my defense I didn't know there was concrete on the other side of that fence when I tossed him over it.
You're both fucking idiots and this is why I should never let you two drink alone.
I need weed and if he's hot, maybe he can supply me with sex too.
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