Sex don't cost a thang now that you can buy trojans with meal points.
Just incase you were wondering, the count of ladies who have perioded on chairs at our fine restaurant is now at 3.
look to my right... shes dancing like she's playing dance dance revolution and her character is a retarded, drunken moose
The only problem is i have violated all potential new years resolutions at the new years party.
He washed my hair whilst I gave him head in the shower. Bored or gay?
Just so we're clear, that's a yes to the honey, but if you get marshmallow fluff anywhere near my body we are never doing this again
she vomitted in her champagne, said "fuck it, it's new years", and continued drinking.
How many of my tattoos need to be visible for an outfit to be considered "see-through"?
he told me it was like eating gods vagina.
My condoms might be a little big for you but hey, a big sweater is better than no sweater at all when it's cold right?
I have a present for you
Like a legit gift, not just me showing up and getting naked
THE EAGLE HAS MY PANTIES. I REPEAT. THE FUCKING MASCOT HAS MY PANTIES.
HOLY SHIT. You're my hero.
Did you clean my apartment?
I thought it was a dream, I'm sorry
Please stay more often
Just letting you know that your little sister is now your eskimo brother. You can send a thank you edible arrangement to Tammy.
Found your bra in my backseat. And yes it took me that long to finally clean it out from last weekend
Didn't even know it was missing, if that makes you feel any better
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