Cops are here now. U need to come back. Ur not under arrest. But u need to apologize to the woman for what you did to her cat.
i just turned barefoot contessa into a drinking game. everytime she uses a knife butter or salt i drink.
At first I felt shameful, waking up naked next to a box of oreos and half a can of cake frosting...then I realized, this could be a bigger discovery than Atlantis.
so they made cookies with their faces printed on them...I ate jaime...she tasted like poop
there were staples in my comforter. what kind of sex did we even have?
She insisted on cleaning her room in the dark. 5 minutes in, she forgot what she was doing and started putting shirts on instead of hanging them up.
we were making out in my truck and while she was straddling me she informs me that she jerks off horses for a living. Should I be concerned or flattered?
I told my boyfriend that the thing I missed most about him was scratching his balls for him.
He was gunna drive a half hour for a makeout sesh. Time to take the diapers off and learn about the wonders of the penis, dude
We met up and made out in front of an empanada spot, if that's not romance then idk what is.
That's pretty intense. There aren't many people I would pick over a burrito
Tinder in Coventry is like browsing a gallery of mugshots from Azkaban
Can't we just go back to fucking and having your boyfriend think you're completely straight?
You some how ended up sleeping on one of the beams that run along the ceiling of your house
Perfect attendance and not being drunk since Sunday. This is a new leaf if I've ever seen one
Randomize
