Did you go home with that guy without me?
Sorry boo - it's pouring and I found a boy with a car
he spit gasoline on a tiki torch to impress a girl. he caught on fire but did get laid. success.
I walked in on him cutting a hole in the condom.
I turn the corner to find her walking in the front door in a tee-shirt, two different shoes and no pants. All she said to me was "I'm sad"
As one final fuck you to the courthouse i'm paying the rest of this ticket with sacajawea coins.
How bad is the voicemail?
You graded my boobs.... C minus. Asshole.
She said she'd heard about my nickname in high school. Apparently sledgehammer isn't as popular as you'd believe...
I am the prescription. I can be taken orally or vaginally and in any dosage. This is why I went to med school.
not a day goes by that I don't wish you were here or I there. Today it was because I had the desire to get high and go look at the jellyfish at the aquarium and you're the perfect buddy for that.
possible new low: just washed a permanent marker penis off my cheek with porta-potty hand sanitizer.
also if this is gonna be a sample of how country jam will be, I might as well break up with him now. he spent the night blacked out and I could have been in a three-some.
My parents woke me up at noon to tell me my maid had found my clothes strewn all over the neighborhood
Just looked for hours for the remote. Found it in my purse. I need to drink less.
Stuck in the Minneapolis airport for 3 hours with an expense budget and a wine bar. This could get out of hand quickly.
I didn't want sex last night, but she charmed my dick out of my pants like a snake charmer.
Just had an oven catch fire while I was balls deep. Fire department came, I did not.
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