I can't sleep so instead I'm thinking of all the things I would love to do to you right now
That's weird, I usually just count sheep
You tied the party balloons to your nipple ring so that everyone would know you partied.
we had sex three times last night.. but now im just wet from him crying on my stomach about how much he misses his ex.. awesome
it feels like theres a golf ball between my legs. the sex was totally worth it tho.
i said i was sorry for his girlfriend's cancer diagnosis and he said "easy come, easy go" and tried to fuck me
The words "my birth control fell out" should never be spoken
The stripper from Delilahs paid the desk clerk to find out my room #. Either Im doin something very right or she's doing it worng.
you were sitting on the floor eating oats. how should i react?
almost getting arrested is turning into fucking this cop in his ex wife's lawn. see you tomorrow
Something about getting whistled at in my work clothes while crossing the street with three Nuvarings in my back pocket feels wrong.
They want yo temporarily sterile ass.
I chugged vodka from a 15 ft snorkel. What the fuck did you do with your life today?
HIS BALLS ARE HEAVEN SENT FROM THE VELVET ANGLES.
AND HOLY SHIT FLUBBER IS ON NETFLIX
Dude, he paid us overtime to smoke weed out of a bong at his house
He's so in love with you that you could fuck a blood relative and he'd be like "I just want you to be happy"
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