You were waisted for 48 hours and the only 3 words you said were yup, sure, and michigan
i'm pretty sure i saw my life flash before my eyes when we ran a red light. i continued to drink and be the drunk backseat driver.
so does the 200 for rent and 150 for utilities include the never telling my boyfriend about the guys i bring home.. or is that extra?
You just kept yelling, "THAT'S THE POWER OF PINESOL, BABY!"
I made a blanket fort and am drinking Gatorade and eating donuts watching 500 days of summer. I can't keep spending my saturdays like this.
I don't know what I would do if cheese never existed
Someone's stooooned
We fucked so hard that when I orgasmed I tore his towel rack off the wall. He was more impressed than mad.
Is it socially acceptable to break up with someone over snapchat?
He told me that his greatest skill was making White Russians.
I told some guy on tinder, that apparently has a prosthetic leg, that I think we started off on the wrong foot. I hate myself...
Correction: Jimmy johns. The one pita pit employee has been an asshole to me ever since you locked them out of the store
I'm shaking a cocktail while in bed. Is that bad?
I said "one day" and that day is not today
I don't think you could pull off being mean.
How do you think I'm still single?
Who the fresh hell put 2 pillows a raincoat and a guitar on top of me to keep me warm last night
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