my mom walked in on me smoking weed alone, listening to the eagles, and just staring at the river. she totally knew.
when I picked him up he smelled like cheeseburgers, had a bite mark around his left nipple and we think someone stabbed him in the forehead with a pencil... it was like the Hangover meets Texas Chainsaw Massacre
My piss changed color midstream. Think that means I have a 50/50 chance of passing the test?
i just thought that perhaps i was done with the "boning on someone else's futon" stage of my life. guess not.
What can I say? I like my food like I like my women, not entirely fucked by our contemporary world.
I can't live in this building much longer. People are starting to figure out that it's me making the weird sex noises.
It feels like I'm being stabbed in the uterus with a rake. That night was totally worth it though. Thanks.
it was just another one of those moments where you unfriendzone a friend you assumed to be gay
Dudes don't just lick butts of chicks they're not into.
she has that "i will punish you like your mom did" vibe, i think guys like that.
She's too awesome to dump: she gives me great blow jobs and free Popeyes. You just don't burn a bridge like that.
Apparently stoned me thought eating chips in the shower was a good idea.
It’s gonna be hard being interviewed by this girl without remembering the time she showed me her nipple piercings at Dylan’s party
Last night I ate a candle out of a strippers ass.... I guess it was an okay night.
Cops swarmed my car last night in the walmart parking lot cause of the paper plate
Randomize
