dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
I made her dinner: Beefaroni with grated parmesan cheese on top. Luckily she showed up drunk and gave me head, "For spending so much time preparing."
Now there are nude photos of that bangin hot Russian spy chick...this is officially the best scandal ever.
I can't be held responsible for my own vagina. Let's just be honest here.
I came home to my brother stoned out of his mind. He got a high score on COD and asked me to have a celebration yogurt with him.
you just knocked on the window of the ambulance and waved at me as we drove away
I'm riding in a wheelchair, being pulled by a golf cart. You need to be here.
I really need to stop drunk texting. My one night stand just agreed to go roller skating.
You told me to pour the Gatorade on you "like Flashdance"
Lube is flammable
Who is this??
We found him in the neighbors shed using a bicycle as a blanket. We just left him there.
Hit a new low. I'm FB stalking him while he is lying in bed sleeping naked next to me. He fell asleep with FB still open and unlocked on his iPad.
Worst case: you're extra horny, have no control of your mouth or actions, and maybe murder someone. Child's play.
He graduated. He’s not my GA anymore. He’s just the 24 year old that’s helping me put a sexless marriage in the rear view mirror by exploring the Kama sutra with me
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