he texted me at 1 in the morning to ask if i wanted to come over and play in the snow with him
at least he gets points for a creative booty call
i wish semen tasted like chocolate
Omg. In the pub, there's a guy shouting at the olympic channel 'yeah! Kill that motherfucker!' we're watching figure skating.
I just remember taking her cat for a walk around 3 am then falling asleep in a slide at the park
i woke up to the sound of my roommate climbing onto my desk mumbling that she was going to bed
the ladder is at the bottom of the pool
1. Are there men involved 2. Is there food involved 3. Do I have to put pants on 4. Do I have to leave this bed
Ok now I cleared out half the bar and Em and I have 5 Jameson shots lined up for you. You have 15 min.
I shame-fucked to Hotel California, don't tell me about priorities.
My mom just gave me my fake back to buy her more wine.
Hey, I took a sweater from your house. And, um, your little brother's virginity.
His dick is so big it could be an arm rest.
Something I never want to forget. I'm in a porta potty and she is outside knocking on the door going "You're a queen. You're a queen. Never think any different"
I DEMAND FORESKIN
It's a race to see if I finish the bottle first or my homework
Randomize
