I like how my family gatherings are basically an ugly sweater party just with better beer and wine...
i hope whoever thought of bagged wine flip cup last night has the same hangover as me. not ok.
so went to the condom shack today. bought a condom that dresses up your dick in a suit...tomorrow im fucking in style
Nada. Shooting off confetti and wanted to see I'd u could see it from ur house.
Wow. Its not even 11am.
you woke me up just to tell me that I was beautiful in every way possible. Then you proceeded to fall asleep with your mouth on my boob.
Some random walked into our tent, woke her up and said "Harry Potter must not go back to Hogwarts!"
Is it weird to say that Kobe reminds me of a wise brontosaurus?
We turned on "find my friends" and watched her progress. Got concerned when she didn't move for an hour on Adelaide, turned out a booty call was made, then she went back to the bars.
Just realized i left my bra at his house. WHY do i suck at one night stands?!
you told me your favorite colors were "pink" "no pants" and "Mexican food"
I don't know man, I woke up and shes here acting like she knows me, wearing my clothes, and scrambling eggs in my kitchen. I don't know her.
You were drinking with me last night, I warned you.
She's officially a Tinder poltergeist.
I will pay you in sex, beer and popcorn if you will come fold my clothes for me.
Add free use of your panini press and its a deal.
Deal.
Its official. The summoning powers of my vagina are unmatched by anything in this world
I did crash a prom last night though.. It was fun
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