I wonder if there will ever be a day where I don't find lisps really really hilarious.
I seriously need to stop naming my lingerie sets after the boys I wear them for. I seriously just asked mom if she put Brett in the dryer
You said I was the most beatiful preggers youve ever seen...im not pregnant
i just keep taking vicodin and supergluing random shit
who do i root for if I want Christiano Ronaldo to win the world cup on a team by himself and then bang chicks on the pitch?
I'm sitting in my bathroom sink, eating a tuna sandwich. He had better weed than I expected.
we traced the origins of this shit fest of a relationship back to a single instance of road head. then we did a reinacment
We should invent fake asshair for you to wear so you can experience my pain for a day.
For once I want to have sex without having to google the after effects of it.
Apparently this is my life now. Fucking men in their 30s with small dogs.
I have bruises from doing the splits on the poles, if that doesn't scream bourbon street regret then I don't know what does
You blacked out at 9:30 and insisted on sleeping in the hallway after you chugged an entire pitcher of beer. I guess the Jell-O shots were stronger than we thought...
I just ate broccoli before drinking. Does that make me a responsible adult?
I want you to remember that you started masturbating in front of a car full of people. That drunk.
the teacher told me he was disappointed and when I asked why he just shook his head. remember that kid that caught us having sex behind the school? pretty sure that was his son.
Randomize
