barbara walters just said penis...
so I think he was half asleep, but he woke me up by saying "where's my cow? Is it being shipped?" He must have been dreaming about farmville..
We just had the worst moment of our late twenties.... We just realized we are too old for the real world
dude, seriously he just sucked the milk out of the dogs breast and swallowed it... for $20, wtf....?
its likemy ribs anf my hesrt aew cuddlingn
i am going to show so many millionaires my nipple
I keep having to have that awkward "I don't want to have sex with you" convo. I thought wearing sweatpants was suppose to prevent this situation..
I don't think she considers it a date unless she publicly urinates
I got a lap dance from a guy last night dressed as a school girl. Heels and all. His heels got stuck in my fish nets
guys with girlfriends don't have a leg to stand on when they get mad at you for fucking other guys
Blocking me on Facebook doesn't change the fact that you've had my penis in my mouth. So there's that.
do I look like a person who has full control of their limbs and existence on this plane of reality
I snuck in through the doggy door to get his vodka. Do you think my ex will know?
That dick was not the dick of a twenty year old
I have to lie to someone and move five gallons of fermenting alcohol across campus but after that i'll hit you up 4 sho
Randomize
