Add "its too hot" to reasons why I don't get fucked anymore
Spotted: forty year old in red dress, cigarette in hand, squatting to pee by railroad tracks. Hello future.
I have on cowboy boots and a ten gallon hat. I'd say I'm a little past tipsy
Just took my morning after pill in the library
Dude, just paid my sister in vicodin to go out and buy me a slushie.
I had a pretty decent weekend -- aside from dropping the baby on her head. That.. That I feel bad about.
Apparently I kept telling people I was a pro tennis player again...
i promise the blood crusted on your tits is from him motorboating you after he tripped into the pool stick. nothing else.
Besides asking our teacher if he enjoyed being fisted did I have any other tragic moments last night?
Okay throwing up in my mouth a little = time to go home
Just had to find a way to explain to the border patrol that we were coming into canada "for about a half hour to have one last under 21 drink before kendals birthday at midnight." He said ok and told us where the closest bar was. Nice man.
Turns out I sent a dick pic to my sister's ex. Grindr is the devil's eharmony.
I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"
I was just shot with a dart gun by one of my coworkers while walking to the printer. Ironically I was printing my resignation letter...
He said he cried as he watched porn yesterday; I'd say he's taking the break-up pretty bad....
Randomize
