Tampa is so boring. I'm dying. I want lots of cleavage at my funeral. If i cant get laid, i want my friends to. I'm that kind of person
You hooked up with 4 random girls, avoided your grilfriend finding out about it, and dodged traffic on Park Ave. Can you say luck of the Irish?
I want Paula Dean to narrate shark week next year
You totally left a blue butt print on our banister
Well I think we can all agree that that's better than then bowl of puke I left last time.
My parole officer gave me condoms and a Starbucks gift card ... happy holidays.
on a brighter note, the cop thought i could kick adams ass if it came down to that and said he had $20 on me if it ever happens
I hope you have a dream of a sloth with my face touching you erotically
How was the picnic?
We played softball, except our team sucked. In one hand was a mitt, the other a beer.
Why didn't you put them down?
No beer left behind.
It was awful. He had a wife
And now you've had a year of virgin penance. Absolve yourself.
You called me last night and said you had a vision that a cat made you a sandwich. You were tripping way too hard
tom claimed she had a star tattooed around her buttonhole. i am not prepared for this era of skankyness
I'm not sure... But I think I just found a porno I starred in during my black out week of '08.
Hungover playing piano at a baptism I am the PICTURE of class I feel like I should be struck by lightning
I bought the restaurant a boat airhorn to wake up sleeping employees.
I love you
I deleted your number after I found out you gave my brother head for drugs.
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