i was just texting to let you know that my facebook chat is working again so you can talk to me more. please talk to me more.
Its like im going on a blind date, but ive already had sex with her
hey..i found a takeout box with a half-eaten hamburger in it, the box said to text this number if found...
Apologies for hacking your facebook and posting that picture of you passed out hooked up to the IV...but we were sat with you on the ER floor for 3 hours, it got boring
My high school reunion is Thursday so I need to find an outfit that says "Haha, you got fat and I got tits. Suck it, bitches."
I just came inside of a Gatorade bottle. That hungover.
My tuesday consisted of speaking to a federal agent for two hours and watching a roving band of gypsies jump over a fire until 2:30am
I woke up in confetti... confetti and shame
I spent half an hours grinding with a drunk Harry Potter cosplayer at the con rave. Pretty sure I felt his wand.
Actually let's just focus our energy on not getting committed to a psych ward.
I think Jabba the Hut is dying in the stall next to me.
he accidentally put it in my ass, i liked it but didn't tell him that and "accidentally" took his weed.
My mother just set me up with the son of the man I fucked last weekend. I could crawl under a rock and die OR I could remember the rules of genetics and hope that JR takes after daddy. Wish me luck...
I would but he’s not speaking to me because I put ketchup in his socks.
Justin has passed out on the toilet in a locked stall. Stay tuned for pics.
Randomize
