I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
Watching this movie and saying "drink every time you see an animal" was a bad idea...circle of life...holy crap
Seriously, let me lead the intervention, my parents did like three with me. I know how it works.
And dont forget my 23rd birthday where with no underwear i crawled through the cage of the police car. Dont get drunk be fore you get drunk.
Found your dick twin last night
She ended up puking in the bathroom. But she's a good drunk... i told her to stay in there so i could dance til the club closed. She was still in the stall an hour later.
well in the interest of full disclosure I have been using a used kfc spork as a buttscratcher for a month
There's cereal in my underwear. Was I in your apartment at any time last night? That's the only logical explanation for this.
A man just sang Jennifer Lopez to me out his car window. I am not sure how I feel about this, but it is not positively.
I'm making a date with someone on Playstation Home. That's how my sex life is going right now.
I need to just embrace dildos and cats and call it a life.
Grandma's bordering on serious shit show territory at this point.
I walked over and you were apologizing to him because you're lady gaga and he's not. The best part was that he forgave you.
Coffee and girl scout cookies. Breakfast of champions.
Get fucked.
He jerked off some dude with a slice of Wonder Bread.
The sports guy?
Yeah. They claimed the bread made it hetero
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