does drinking everclear count as brushing your teeth? because i think they are sterilized
She must have been at ribfest tonight because my dick smells like barbeque sauce
I was desperate so I downed my birth control with balsamic vinaigrette...
I'm so covered in bruises. God dammit drunk me. We are a lady.
Somehow me showing up to/breaking into her house only to find I was a week early for the party became a night of weed cookies and sex.
I figured out that he lasts longer when I rap during sex. He made it all the way through "Love the Way you Lie"
I made a Wendy's employee say fuck this and quit because I started flipping out due to a baked potato shortage. Of course I had a good night
I'm always drunk lately
Now I'm in a game of hide and seek in Sears
He's not actually Jewish. Turns out he just wears the yarmulke to cover his bald spot.
Dude, I brought the fucking tequila to that party and they cheered for the chick that seriously only brought limes.
Have you seen our bachelor? He's MIA. Last seen being led to some hookers by Kanye look-a-like.
She tackled him mid-puke while the other two were cutting up a $60 dildo with a kitchen knife and putting the pieces in a Corona bottle.
Munching saltines, sippin Gatorade, and trying not to get eaten by this small horse
Easter bunny might get some gnarly munches and not even have enought candy left to hand out
well considering the guy who just delivered my cookies had to console me as i had a mental breakdown in front of him i'd say i'm 4/10 right now, thank you
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