idk how it happened. she made a very smooth transition from crying to blowing me
I took a bird feeder and filled it with alka-seltzer. Can you say fireworks?
There is nothing scarier than watching yourself breathe in the mirror while on shrooms.
He's coming back with me for the week. It took me saying "I don't wanna drive myself home... I'm better as a passenger giving road head" for him to jump at it. Rack another one up for my magical openings.
Is your answer to that text seriously a right parenthesis
When I blacked in, I was crying to my father at the swim-up bar that "I was going to win an Oscar." how do you THINK Mexico was?
I don't know how I'm going to know it's her, I only know what she looks like with a wig on
SHE COULD ALREADY BE HERE AND I WOULDN'T EVEN KNOW
She yelled "taste the gay rainbow" in a biker bar. She's either brave or fuckin stupid.
We exchanged spring break stories last night. Open relationships are the best.
Sware then you fell into me doing a Tarzan swing thing and my margherita spilled and shattered all over this guy and sice you were on the ground you tried to pull it off by twerking on the floor lmfao
She said I'm like warm bathroom-sink water. There's nothing necessarily wrong with me, but she doesn't exactly want to "drink me in"
Trump won PA by a fucking landslide. If only Cruz hadn't eaten that booger.
These morning walks of shame have became my morning jogs
I just saw a raccoon get launched out of a tree by another raccoon. They have turf wars...
Well, I was arguably the most sober adult in the house by 1 in the afternoon, so I'd say Superbowl Shitshow was a success.
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