you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
My roomate asked me why she found condoms in the pringles container. I don't know what to tell her
she fucked me tho cuz it was her cat's birthday. As soon as we were done she just says "ahhh tequila tuesdays"
Seeing Grandma lick chocolate sauce off of the male stripper was definitely not the way I planned to enter the world of legal drinking.
Option 1: fuck me and bedtime. Option 2: come fuck me and then hangout with everyone. Option 3: don't fuck me in which case fuck you.
I need to stop getting drunk and telling people it isn't "about them."
I just found your ripped underwear on my chandelier. Care to explain?
I know he's gay. But if he touches my vagina I'm human centipeding his face. Sorry not sorry
HOCKEY BUTTS AND BASEBALL BUTTS HONESTLY DO SOMETHING TO ME
do I look like a person who has full control of their limbs and existence on this plane of reality
And then you poured the rest of the vodka into salsa and added the alcohol soaked pineapples and grapes and said "don't touch my salsa breakfast".
Nate is still in lock up because when the cop informed me he'd shit his pants in the squad car I declined to post bail.
This is very awkward but where is my dildo, Mom
Like Napoleon Dynamite?
Exactly like Napoleon Dynamite
But with bacon.
Im so unlucky if I fell in a barrel of dicks, I'd come our sucking my thumb
Randomize
