Are you seriously drinking already? It's 11AM. Still morning.
I'm going by McDonald's time. And since they stop serving breakfast at 10:30 and start serving lunch, it is now afternoon.
He just asked me if I ever had the urge to put a zucchini in my ass.
he told us the story of how he fought ketchup, mustard, and thomas the train engine all in one night. if that doesn't sound like an acid trip i dont know what does.
I just ran from Santa Claus in Kroger
He's only a little bit crosseyed.
I think this is one situation where "a little bit" doesn't mean much.
She kept biting his ear when he was talking to people, that was only 3 drinks in...
I mean its cheating, but i figure i've made out wiht married chicks before so its like a nicotine patch, quitting by doing less and less each day
There were slices of bread pasted to the wall with peanut butter this morning. I don't want to know
Just woke up to find myself in a random bed with two people next to me having sex. I thought it would be awkward to just suddenly get up so i think I'm gonna lie here and pretend I'm still sleeping.
He's grinding topless with a group of girls to that discovery channel song. May I take a message?
My middle name is suave and my vagina shoots rainbows, what else would you expect?
So don't be alarmed when you go into your bathroom, he's sleeping in the tub with your brothers dinosaurs. also I'll clean up the sticky floor later. (you don't wanna know)
I will read books by day and do guys by night. A mental and physical enlightenment, if you will.
If you don't come home and fuck me soon I'm walking over there naked and dragging you home by your penis
I need to go to St. Louis more often. The brides sorority sisters were practically fighting over me once they heard I work on Wall St.
Randomize
