He had on juicy sweatpants and thats when i knew he was no longer a threat.
I make my boyfriend pay for half of my birth control. We call it his monthly rent.
I think he just gave me the 'I used to sleep with your sister' discount
There's a wake for a coworker on 420 during te time of 420... Hoping everyone will be too sad to notice how high I am.
She called all of my friends to find out where I was last night. 7 out of ten said their place.
will i regret this in the morrning? probably. but every decision is good during happy hour
I feel like jumping into a breast pit right now. Like the old school ball pits at mcdonalds.
Is it some european holiday today? We both woke up to find loaves of bread in our rooms...
I find it ironic...the gays are dying to get married & I just want a fucking divorce
The paramedics were not my fault this time.
Someone's vagina was extra sandy cause the left side of my bed feels like the beach.
We're at the liquor store. Then going to the hospital
You put THAT much Jager in me and expect me to realize when things are a bad idea?
In other news, I’ve officially fucked a grandpa.
God yes pancakes and booze sounds like the best night ever.
Randomize
