i'm going to rape that little man
omg not your brother
he was wearing sponge bob boxers. Guess how long he lasted.
Fire inspection over. Blunts are OK
My #1 goal this summer is to get drunk at olive garden
She agreed that we could have sex whenever I wanted and I could let someone else meet my mom.
You drunk invited us to do an intervention for you.
Champagne is a vitamin, right?
I miss the time when Mondays weren't the new Thursdays. I can't drink like my 17 year old self anymore.
Do you know how hard it is to maintain a conversation with someone who just told you they put their cat in the fridge on purpose?
AT THIS RATE YOU WILL HAVE FUCKED MORE OF MY CLOSE FRIENDS THAN I HAVE PEOPLE PERIOD BY VALENTINE'S DAY.
Dude, we got to the strip club as they were closing, and you starting crying because, and I quote, "This is the closest to birthday sex I'm gonna get."
Yeah he drove 30 minutes at 3 AM to come fuck me in my neighbors treehouse
You know you gave a quality blow job when you have to ice your neck and jaw the next day.
Her cat was breathing in my ear all night, like that kid from Hey Arnold.
Almost gave the delivery guy a 34 dollar tip. That high
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