True Life: I hate vaginal excretions
I woke up at 4am on the couch with half my clothes on. And by half my clothes I mean my earrings.
Just walked past a girl wearing nothing but flip flops and an oversized sweatshirt crying by the front gates eating pizza. i just found your soulmate.
i leave for school in 3 days. if you want your annual goodbye blow job you should probably call me
Did we literally take a cab across the street
you called your neighbor "slutsauce" then passed out on the stairway. not even sure why, but props to you.
Someone spilled vodka all over the elevator floor. Bring straws.
Im going to hell in a hand basket. With a ribbon tied to my head. I'll be like a puppy for the devil.
When I see myself in tank tops and push up bras I seriously wonder why I'm not President.
I had a 10 minute conversation with the refrigerator, it was telling me how it likes to be opened and closed. Ecstasy, I love you.
Who spent today in nothing but a vajazzle and candy thong? SORRY NOT SORRY
So doing the math I dated almost 2 of me in penises. Like, if I you layed them out lengthwise it would be 2 times my height.
I have a present for you
Like a legit gift, not just me showing up and getting naked
It's like sexual waterboarding. You gave me sex so good I'm comparing it to torture. Jesus.
Dude you where on that lil kids bike at 2 am ridin down the turning lane wearing only socks and a helmet singing born to be wild, no you weren't that fucked up
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