My dog ate my bag of weed. Thats not the easiest call to the vet to make.
I just spent my lunch hour driving around campus yelling "TRADE LIVES WITH ME!" to all the freshmen moving in
My parents just checked my browsing history and now think I'm addicted to porn and am a necrophiliac. 1: I know it was you. 2: You're so dumped, that shit is sick.
How many times can you lose to your mom in beer pong before you can no longer show your face around campus?
She's trying to master eating with her feet. She said it was be she "always has to be prepared."
hes wearing the same tie today that i tied him up with last night.i wanna go home
I just had to give myself a pep talk to stop lying on my floor. Literally too hung over to function
I feel like I'm taking part in a surprise porno. At least my hair looked good.
I might come over. Something about you makes me matronly and I have this urge to nurse you back to health with soup and a blowjob
Scratch one off the douchebag bucket list. Just saw a guy in a sesame street tshirt and a tap out hat. Didn't get the memo that big bird's trying to get into mma.
Topless bubble bath with a lesbian is debatable as a gay experience.
I peed my pants and am still dancing with guys at the club because I liked my outfit too much to change. Call the ratchet emergency
Lesbians had sex in my bed last night. It's a thing of pride
Remember earlier when I was excited about finding that birth control pill in my purse? Definitely acid.
And then I woke you by humping you to Lionel Ritchie.
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