just did a line in a complete hula outfit off a chick in a devil costume. do you think hell will be this good?
FB needs to have a relationship status called...screwing my roommates bf..linking their names would be an easier to tell her!
the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"
Man the liquor store just wrong numbered me, its a sign even god wants me to drink
i can't decided whether the fact that her nipples are bigger then her palms is a problem or not
Bonus points if someone shits their pants. Only 1/2 bonus points if it's you
Bonus points are bonus points regardless
how sketchy is it to eat a candy wrapped in masking tape from reggae night? because we totally just split it...
I asked my boss to leave early for a booty call. She said yes. See.... everyone sees it's important I get laid.
Whenever I'm not in the mood and don't want to go to bed swampy, I just strategically suck him off during the second period intermission of the Cup playoffs and he leaves me alone and does the dishes. It's a win-win.
Sent nudes to my best friend's boyfriend and mom last night. So I'm coping with that on top of my hangover this morning
Oh ya, I forgot to tell you, last night I woke up to the sound of you peeing on the floor next to the fridge, didn't remember until now. Have fun at Dayton!
I don't want to be Eskimo brothers with your dad
I was so high I started singing Let It Go and then instantly started laughing 'cause I was eating ice. Everyone just stared.
No, I didn't meet up with him! That's when I had chlamydia.
Had to claim I'd "gone lesbian" to get my cat back. Thank God I got away from that one.
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