I'm gonna get wrecked tn I might have to keep my phone at home cause I'm sure ill send you really weird txts
Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
Just threw up in a trash can by the ATM. Then pulled out money for weed.
How can he have such a manly penis and baby hands?!
We can add pilot to the list of people who's lives I've changed...with my penis.
I think the pivotal moment was when we used the see and say as a drinking game with shots of whiskey. It was all downhill after that.
I'm with Tony. He said he volunteers his ball sack for waxing but you will have to wait a few weeks. It is a freshly shaved sack. I guess he thought he was gonna get lucky. Wtf?
Smooth sack
4 people stoned, 3 boys I've slept with, 2 I gave chlamydia, and a partridge in a pear treeeeee
How festive
how do you not remember that?! you winked at the bouncer and then proceeded to grind on him while chugging a beer. i don't know if i should be proud or embarrassed to be your friend
Have bite marks on my arm where my temporary tat was Saturday night. Did someone try to bite Captain America or something?
One of the many mysteries surrounding the weekend...
I wanna send them a card but I don't think hallmark makes a "sorry your fiance and another girl blew me at the same time in a frat house but congrats!" card
Remember how I made that resolution to remain celibate for 6 months? Well, I just broke that
You literally made that 4 hours ago...
You need to get a passport so we can carry our bad decisions over the border
Jack and I got in a huge fight at 6am. He fell asleep when I was giving him head so I freaked. We were both black out so I made a memo in my phone reminding me
We're playing drunken roulette. We're taking exlax followed by shots. First person to shit themselves loses!
Randomize