I think I took your hangover as a birthday present
Apparently, I woke up in the middle of the night, got up out of bed, dropped trou in the corner, squatted, and pissed on the carpet. When Eric heard, he thought it was the dog and started yelling, and I responded by saying "No no, its okay. It's me."
Charging the asians next door to us $5 a page to print their final papers because theirs broke. Bars close in 2 hours, lets go
Well i have to fuck at least one of your roommates this year to keep the tradition alive.
Woke up to the first three complete chapters of my new novel titled "If My Dick Could Talk" waiting for me on my laptop
I am now trying to reassure her that she doesn't have a wide-set vagina. So thanks, for whatever you said.
Steve is gonna hang his bear rug on the wall because he doesn't trust us not to have sex on it...
No no, there's drunk and then there's 'spooning with lawn gnomes' drunk.
it's like I can see my whorish nature reflected back at me in his wedding ring.
i just tried to use a string cheese as a light source
So some drunk guy just tried to convince me with all of his passion that bacon is a color
a guy offered me a piece of pizza if I'd make out with a random girl. We got the whole damn box and I ain't even mad
I already tell everyone in my office my bf is at the Naval academy. It slipped one time and I can't go back on it now
You stared at a Swedish dude for like 5 minutes then asked him "shouldn't you be yelling at dragons"
only you would understand that I was talking from the perspective of my boobs
Randomize
