I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
I walked into cold stone and the guy started preparing a supersized birthday cake remix for "Mrs. Munchies"
My family is watching Intervention and taking notes. I need to leave NOW!
We need to start having rules for the weekends. Like no more downing 3 shots because we want to slut dance a little harder or because biggie just came on.
so im gonna ask for shark week off tomorrow at work and i advise you do the same
I'm 2 blowjobs away from girlfriend status....don't tell me I don't know how to have an adult relationship
After having to meet his mom half naked, running into the tree in front of her didn't seem so bad.
He asked if he could pull one of my teeth "to remember me by"
Roommate just came in drunk and tweaked out because my tv has a DVD player built in. Waaaaaayyyy too sober for that conversation.
Are you doing trivia tonite? Also sorry I peed on you.
Get up, biotch, before I come traipsing in there to rip apart whatever god-forsaken spoon you have going on between the two of you and your dog.
He used the term 'cock-staggering' in an email. So needless to say things are going pretty well.
ALL I WANT FOR CHRISTMAS IS FOR YOU TO SHUT THE FUCK UP FOR ONCE
Is that strawberry winking at me??
I'm at home 4 xanax deep watching She's all that.. no I don't want to go out. The couch is eating me.
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