Dont touch anything! You just got rid of your crabs!
My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
Now I'll never know if Megan finds a millionaire.
this is a mass text: i just made a grilled cheese with an iron and pasta with the coffeemaker in the hotel room. bow before your new god.
I may be in pain from falling off the roof but getting to the morning roof keg was well worth it.
I started making my dollar bills into rings for the strippers
So my date night ended with us watching porn with his roommate.
Yeah well I used to see how many bud lights I could slam down during the pledge of allegiance, my record was 4, but I could do better now.
I swear, its like my old fuck buddies have a 6th sense for when I'm going to be daydrunk. Then they start texting me. And then I start sexting them
You have all of her herpes and none of my sympathy
I hear sloppy seconds go great with fried rice
I wish I could have a tequila IV with me all the time. Intravenous tequila intoxication.
Exactly man. Who needs doctors when you have vodka and hot knives.
If more people understood that brunch is at 3pm the world would be a better place because you don't have to wake up early. Breakfast food is important
It was a crazy night: tears were shed, blood was spewed, and bottles were emptied.
Randomize
