Sometimes I feel like I shouldn't drink when I come out of a black out half naked covered in puke. Then I realize thats why I drink.
I'm blazed at jack in the box and my order number is 420. I wish everything in the world made this much sense.
jacking off on stolen wireless... gotta enjoy the small things in life
Walk of Shame'd halfway down a mountain, skiiers passing. Do not drink with lifties at the end of ski season.
Just had sex in the darkroom, while a class was going on ten feet away. I finally have a good sex story.
We found him flat on his back, sobbing, 'fuck you stars' at the sky. No more everclear for Derek.
Jill you already won the game by finding a dude who will fuck you in flamingo knee socks. Theres no hope for the rest of us
I hate ovaries. They're horrible little sacs of satanic enmity.
That's the most poetic description of female anatomy I've ever heard.
Walking my dog and eating a taco in last night's dress.. Classy
Like you can't just be like oh bb and THEN SEND ME A FUCKING PICTURE OF MY 8TH GRADE FAT SELF IN A TACO COSTUME
Autocorrect changes "sex" to "sec". I have been so long without it my phone thinks I made a mistake.
it wasnt weird until his dog watched upclose as i put a tampon in
She has a girlfriend too.. we decided that two cheats equal eachother out to zero. with our flawed grasp on algebra and the bottle of jack we were passing back and forth the logic seemed airtight.
Dude. Craziest ride ever. I was convinced that the bus was an airplane. There were clouds when I looked out the window. I got really upset every time the bus turned because airplanes shouldn't turn.
My son's girlfriend just thanked me for having good penis genes.
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