You're completely useless in the revolution.
i might have gotten away with it if "don't tase me bro!" wasn't the first thing i said when i rolled down my window.
You can now add 30,000 feet to the places where I have puked
My friend just ordered a beer and poured it on the floor in celebration of open bar night
While we were making out, he kept yelling at me for not coming to his wedding last month.
Things i learned at work today: do not put mayonaise on a tattoo, it will get infected.
When one is stoned and browsing online dating profiles all men sound like serial killers.
I think my body is literally trying to get me to reproduce. "fuck someone! Anyone!" - my body
The rest of the concert I just stared at the lights and didn't really listen to the music cuz I was trying to make sure my brain still worked cuz my face was numb and I couldn't move... Yeah I'm not a weed brownie person
Children cease to be precious when they crap their shorts in the pool I exercise at.
Come to office depot with me I need help picking out a daily planner that will help me keep all of my casual sex dates organized.
He told me he wished he could shrink down to a small size so he could live inside my cleavage
He called my vagina his wife... how is that NOT creepy?!
My neighbour just came round to ask why we posted a spatula through his door at 3am. What do I tell him??
Somebody put William Shatner singing Bohemian Rhapsody on the jukebox, and the whole bar is about to riot.
Randomize