I even made an effort to dress like a conservative young lady who doesnt black out and throw up in her bed regularly today.
Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
I farted on Jack's balls last night. He got pissed and walked away cause he knew it was on purpose. I couldn't hold it in anymore.
It ended with me crying and eating pizza in my closet.
The gym is handing out free condoms this week, motivation to work out this week?
Should I feel bad that my boyfriend pays for my birth control and his friends get to reap the benefits?
and she just brought her bike into the shower with her
It's like leaving me for his wife wasn't enough. He had to give me an STD too.
i cant wait to be back in my element of drunk, on a barstool, ive missed home
I feel that it is my duty to the human race to invent a colon squeegy
I woke up and they were watching power rangers in japanese so I just found my bra and left
I accidentally told my mom "the reason I didn't answer your call is because my phone was in my pants, on the floor"
A sexy devil squat down and peed in front of Tom Hanks from Castaway.
Tinder in Coventry is like browsing a gallery of mugshots from Azkaban
My life just got so pathetic that I volunteered to work a double on my day off because its saturday and I have nothing else planned
Randomize
