history professor just told us he has magic fingers. i'm going for it.
for me the strap perfect is like a chastity belt
Question: Is it too early to claim April Fools on the text "can we do some lines before the concert" that I accidentally sent Mom?
My own vomit just splashed me in the face. How's your day going
Found her with a stray dog now called champagne, crying about how she feels a mom now. Had to take her home. The dog too.
Walked into my campus store carrying a pitcher of sangria. No fucks given. Also this recipe is banging.
Because everyone is allowed one half drunken 7:30 am walk back to campus in a cowgirl costume, right?
IM TRYING TO BE RESPONSIBLE AND ALL I WANT TO DO IS FUNNEL CHEAP BEER AND SCREAM ABOUT HOW MUCH I LOVE OUR NATION
Worrying about "What smells like cat pee?" is so much easier than worrying about "What am I doing with my life?"
Hey my vagina is like a company. Everyone has an equal opportunity....
I'm working on a search warrant...can u pick up box of Chardonnay...I'll give u cash when u get here...
Yea... I love that ur a prosecutor and drink box wine
and than he said 'I did amateur porn for a while' and I just knew tinder did not fail me this time
I think I'm in the negatives for the quantity of fucks given today.
*6am blends another margarita* *615am blends straight tequila*
Making friends with the guy who had alcohol-infused whipped cream was the best decision I made all night.
Randomize
