I found a dealer that takes plastic. I'm so in trouble.
She nearly killed the mood when she said "Don't cum on my spray tan"
I still can't believe you had sex with someone who willingly went by Peaches.
I just contemplated drinking cheese dip. And by "contemplated," I mean "attempted and was forcibly stopped from."
Naked snow angels was a very bad idea. My vag is now frozen shut.
You may have gone on a date, but I ate chicken nuggets shaped like dinosaurs for dinner tonight. I think we both know who the real winner is here.
That's a beautiful sentiment.
Halfway through missionary I realized I was partially laying on his sleeping dog and idk that just kinda ruined it for me sooo
I just sent a dick pic to a number on Craigslist, this may be my new low
we were having a conversation about big dicks and the chick at the table beside us turned to us said "me and my boyfriend just broke up a few days ago. Could you please NOT talk about big dicks"
i made out with his shirt. MDMA, man.
coming down from speed on a 5 hour flight home from vegas is not a valid reason for calling off work the next day
so i said i had a yeast infection
Went home last night with that hot British guy. Sounded like I was f-ing in a Harry Potter movie.
School supplies are right next to the margarita mix at target. Its a sign
don't take this the wrong way, but I'm not drunk but I need you to take me to the ER and you're the most likely to not be drunk now.
I got drunk and bought a house last night. Also, I threw up on Mike's lawn. I'm pretty excited about one of those two things.
Randomize
