my friend just told me "I dunno what u r doing but keep doing it cuz it makes u look fabulous"
LOL that's cool. Guess u r gonna have to keep doing me
R you on birth control?
No, why?
...no reason
It's not real sex if he's just convulsing inside of you.
I picked my nose. Flicked it. I heard it hit something. Next thing I know, it's floating around in my wine glass.
and he says: but we did find out that your ovaries have never released eggs. first thing out of my mouth: so i didnt really need to take the morning after pill so many times in college?
not the response he usually gets im sure.
The djing cat is back again. I think he just makes appearances when im shit drunk just to fuck with my mind.
Just did a walk of shame dressed as a cowgirl and walked past his ex's entire sorority. Yippee kye aye, motherfucker.
We invited our waitress tonight to come too.... we told her she had lightning in her veins and in return she taught us a Texas Roadhouse dance so the logical next step was invite her to a kegger.
I just wanted to let u know that I called the taco people and informed them what the fuck is up.
I'm so poor. I just wiped my ass with cocktail napkins... That I stole from the neighbors... When I was over there stealing Cheetos.
I'll be thirty in eight months. I think my goal is too stop changing my pants in the parking lot at work by then.
As planned I took it to the limit. Then we met a new limit. Now they are limit friends.
my grandpa paid for my boob job but he just doesn't know it.
The awkward moment your booty call shows up to the Mexican restaurant and realizes you just picked burritos over pussy
Im playing a game I have to take a drink every time my gram asks me the same question hammered by 4 guaranteed...
Randomize
