dude, I'm watching paul blart mall cop. I have better things to do than listen to you whine about your recent divorce.
She begged me for sex again. I felt like I was telling a homeless person I didn't have any change.
my phone calendar just alerted me that it's "weed time" in 15 minutes. do not remember setting that alert last night...
I don't think he understands what an important role his penis plays in my level of self esteem
A hangover is a type of food poisoning. Makes me feel better about calling out of work.
Sophomore year, I fucked on your desk chair. I'm sorry. I love you.
"thanks for the sex" was written in lipstick on my bathroom mirror. i'm officially done with random hook ups.
He just showed me a video of his erect penis moving to the beet of the music when he was high, I think I'm in love.
I'm gonna make a therapist very happy and very wealthy this semester.
Well call me tomorrow, it's a great story that may lead to me being fired and/or possibly being buried in a shallow grave somewhere out in wine country.
There was definitely a significant amount of cookie dough in my bra
I feel like this has turned into my work. But if I get paid sitting under a desk, that's perfectly fine with me.
just imagine me sitting naked on a toilet with a fully-clothed dude i havent seen in 2 years, trying to make normal conversation except that im covered in blood and he's helping wipe me down while i try not to pass out because blood makes me NERVOUS. And he's apologizing and i'm apologizing.
quick, give me some iron man trivia, i'm going to make this girl regret quoting tony stark in her tinder bio
chicken nuggets make me a bit homicidal
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