drinking steel reserve before noon and watching the price is right... 211... bet i pass out before then.
And you kept hanging up and calling back because you thought I wasn't greeting you properly.
okay I may or may not have wrapped my body pillow up in your t-shirt and sprayed it with your axe and am now spooning with it.
again? I'm starting to get a little creeped out now.
You said your dick dragged you up the stairs
He whinnies like a horse when he's cumming. I wish I would have known this before we got into a relationship.
But the ghost of his schlong past haunts you
I went up by the border of Canada. We took shrooms and went fishing...pretty sure we killed a dragon and ate it for dinner
I'm high, watching "Scream" and eating a grilled cheese sandwich off my boobs. I'm not going anywhere
Come on, clusterfuck. Put on a pushup bra and get your fine ass to the bar, or you will be a sad single stoner forever
I was picked up from his hotel room at 5 a.m. and came home with my panties and jäger in a McDonald's bag so the desk attendant wouldn't judge me. This is what single at 25 is about.
You said you were going to start drinking less. Drinking 25 small airplane bottle shots do not count.
It will be too late. I will have fornicated with the enemy by then.
When she said "Tighten your safety belt and hold on!", that should have been a clear sign to me that one should never go off-roading in a rental car. On the bright side, they were able to tow her car out the next morning.
I came back from England with a face tattoo and the only thing anyone can talk about is my beard.
I am pants-free in the living room. This is liberating.
if I was a good friend this would be the time that i would remind you that you have a boyfriend
Randomize
