I've officially put my junk in foods from 5 of the 6 layers of the nutrition pyramid
These guys are walking up and down the hallway yelling, "Yo, is this the floor with the unisex bathroom?"
A lesson I learned in the hospital....when you masturbate while attached to a heart monitor, it scares the nurses a lot.
I will never swim in a flooded basement again..
I can't believe i facilitated a beer for sweater vest deal last night...
don't say the first was when I crawled under into the dressing room
We just started the day with vitamin bombs. Daily vitamin + whatever's left in your glass from last night = feel like a champion
I just can't deal with that sentence
You take a step back sometimes and are like "when was the last time I was sober?" or "wow I need to stop putting everything in my vagina"
Is this an intervention?
I'm at the point where I'm gonna write in my mothers bday card. Happy birthday. Please stop having sex with the door open.
When you're high, you dance like an injured velociraptor.
I think I'm going to call this chapter of my life story "Weekday day-drinking in the park isn't just for the homeless!"
How many Wendy's frosties do you think it would take to fill a bathtub?
Sometimes I refuse to go through a door until someone holds it open for me because I'm a fucking lady.
Good rule of thumb: only list personal references with whom you have hallucinated
I ate her out and told her she tasted like pumpkin pie. She screamed that she hated pumpkins and started to cry
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