Do you think they could tell I was high on that conf call?
She tried to keep her legs crossed last night while doing a keg stand. Way to keep it classy.
My cardio has turned into running out of the cold from bar to bar.
Just orgasmed in traffic. Starting to have feelings for my commute.
Dude in front of me just jumped out of line at Starbucks to go puke. Vegas in prime form.
Turns out I was the only one drinking. I broke one guy's bed and kicked another in the face. Then when an RA came by I shouted to let him in he's gonna find the vodka anyway. Great night
I just wanna go somewhere and not be judged for wearing spandex shorts that make my ass look like a slice of fucking heaven. Is that so much to ask??
I don't like sad things. I do like drinking though
Someone just knocked jenga into a plate of cake. I'm licking off each piece one by one.
Some lady found my secret pooping bathroom at work. Do I fight her Highlander style? I made or may not be fashioning a crude sword from seat covers and toilet paper rolls.
Do it. DO IT. There can be only one.
like are we talking 'quick beer' bad or 'break out the real vodka' bad
Phone keeps correcting good morning to "food moaning" and I like the way it thinks.
he BROKE his KNEE while we were getting it on, called 911 and the ambulance that showed up contained two paramedics, ONE WAS HIS FUCKING SISTER!!! HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?!?!
Poor life choices...?
Stop letting me drink while doing my makeup. I think I used sharpie for eyeliner.
I’m good. I learned that a guy ate the mushrooms that were growing out of his toilet, so there’s that.
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