I might come over and watch a movie but I can't spend the night. my parents would wonder where i was
you're 26.
Youre at medical school. Im eating raw cookie dough, pickles, and orange juice. Naked. On a monday afternoon. I clearly make better life choices than you.
craigslist free llama. are you in or are you in?
i was gonna do a lot worse than just throw cat food on you while you were passed out, but then you sleep vomited and i felt a little bad
I need moral support for this bender
In brighter news I got condoms and a mattress protector today.
Got a traffic ticket on the way home.. Literally cost me $171 to give him a blowjob. I swear the officer could smell the cum in my hair.
You were doing bacon vodka shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce. You're officially fucking disgusting. I love you.
Gramp just called her sex-on-a-stick. AKA HE CALLED HER A WHORE. My 75 year old grandfather just called your ex's new thing a whore.
Sometimes I think he has a hidden camera in my vagina so he knows what I'm doing and saying at all times...
My boss asked me what was wrong today and I really wanted to tell her I woke up too late to smoke a bowl before coming in
Let me guess you did your hair instead? Has anyone told you about priorities?
he's spending the night tonight. if i can walk straight tomorrow i'll be pissed.
I was told I was gorgeous and a whore by the drag queens. My night is complete.
I’m gonna stop you right there. The last time you had a “brilliant” idea, I woke up to my kitchen covered in flour and a javelin through my tv.
Can we skype so I'm not drinking alone?
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