Yeah. My legs are trembling...hard to walk. Feels like a neon arrow is pointing at me saying "just had sex (with not his wife)"
i find it unbelievable that you didn't think it was necessary to intervene when i started letting people autograph my body with spray tan.
Then he wanted a handjob in the car. While my cousin was driving. To krispy kreme. And there was someone else in the backseat.
Jesus...So southern.
I remembered to bring wine in a nalgene bottle, but I forgot sunscreen and water. I'm starting to question my life decisions.
Curse you and your alcoholic milkshakes.
You're welcome.
my post shower fart this morning sounded like hulk ripping through a phonebook
I actually took a sword out of your hands. You were samurai slashing lemons to make chasers.
IT'S LIKE SHE TAKES SECRET KUNG FU CUNT LESSONS AND THEN BRUCE LEES ALL OVER EVERYONE.
I woke up this morning with a sharpie tramp stamp. Pretty sure it's a picture of a squirrel.
I woke up and found a stick of butter in my pocket. There's no butter in the house so I don't know who's it is. Using it to make cookies.
Well I smoked some weird shit and I think I peed on my phone.
If you don't wanna wax my ass just say so.
Apparently I give handjobs in my sleep. So that's interesting.
I hate waking up to a room that reeks of bad decisions...
She made kool-aid with tequila instead of water and rolled a blunt about the size of an Oscar Mayer hot dog. Best blind date I've ever had. I think I will love her tell my dieing day!
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