And I just threw up at the table during Mother's Day Brunch.
I owe all of my success to double stuf oreos and weed.
Every single person in dollar tree stares at you if you are buying a pregnancy test and wearing a charlie brown costume. Just FYI.
You're in a tuxedo, you can pee wherever you want.
You slammed your face into the toilet and declared you were moving your bed into the bathroom in the morning. Also, you insisted on crawling everywhere because feet are "overrated."
he gave me a thermos so I could take my coffee with my on drive of shame. I was unexpectedly grateful...
I hate waking up Sunday morning and thinks "how many friends did I lose last night".... Normally it's between 1-5.
It was all fun and games until he noticed the hickey that he hadn't given me...
Never go with a hippy to a second location. I fucking hate Xanax.
And I'm sorry for punching you in the face when I drunkenly threw my sandwich
Bro, if we got a house, it'd basically be a revolving door for slightly overweight, but extra cute, sexually deviant girls with daddy issues.
Rum and your dick are involved. You're relying on the unreliable narrator.
My vagina still hurts from yesterday. That's the last time I think riding a mop bucket is a good idea. Don't let me do that again
Yeah. Of all the things to be cock blocked by a plague is the most unexpected.
Last night was a bad idea. I'm hungover and the contents of my purse smell like Korean BBQ.
Randomize
